


Things That I Didn't Say

by MindNoise



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2015-12-26
Packaged: 2018-05-09 14:53:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5544131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MindNoise/pseuds/MindNoise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam's holiday party (from whence those wonderful pics came on Christmas Eve)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things That I Didn't Say

**Author's Note:**

> Please pardon any typos or spelling mistakes. I had to write this on a phone app which wasn't easy. I'll fix any goofs later. Enjoy! :)

Tommy stares at the Christmas tree. Each needle is solid white. Each branch is draped with green lights as if that will fool you into thinking it's a live, green tree. Shiny green glass ornaments hang off of hooks, each properly placed. He can see himself in them. The entire display is symmetrical and commercial. Boring. He thinks of the tree he decorated with his niece. All of the ornaments on her tree were different shapes, sizes, colors, and the bulk of them sat in the middle of the tree, which was as far as she could reach. Tommy helped put ornaments on the top of her tree, but she had insisted on doing most of the decorating herself. It was a lopsided tree and it was much prettier than the one he's currently standing in front of.

He looks around at Adam's holiday party. White lights strung up everywhere, candles, wreaths, reams of fake evergreen and holly berries on tables and windowsills. He wonders who decorated Adam's house. Doesn't really look like Adam's style. Then again, Adam's not really a Christmas-y guy. But he likes to throw parties and Tommy wasn't about to refuse his invitation.

It's been months since he and Adam have seen each other. They talk on the phone occasionally, but are more prone to exchanging texts because they're just easier and convenient. The texts have become shorter over time. A couple of sentences here and there, one word replies. Sometimes no reply at all. Communication has become difficult since they no longer work together. And although there are specific reasons for the professional separation, which is not necessarily permanent, it still feels strange to Tommy. Especially when he sees nothing but Adam's career sailing on without his help every time he gets online. He's proud of Adam and happy for him, but he can't help feeling lost. Half the time he won't text Adam because he can't face a one word reply or worse, no reply. Tommy doesn't take it personally. Adam's not trying to be rude; he's just caught up in life. Tommy understands. He has his own things to tend. People don't go in the same direction all the time.

Adam laughs loudly across the room, and it catches Tommy's attention. Adam's voice has always commanded his attention. Tommy watches him and smiles. They may not be working together right now, but he wouldn't trade their time or friendship for anything in the universe. Adam has definitely been a bright spot in his life since the day he picked Tommy to play bass for him. In fact, Adam has been more than a bright spot. Since touring with Adam and being cramped on a bus for months on end, Tommy discovered that Adam was everything he ever wanted in a companion of any kind be it friend, family, boss, lover. That last one always threw Tommy, shook up his stomach and made his hands tremble. Lover. But that's not what Adam is or was or will be. 

Tommy can feel his stomach start to quiver and his hands sweat. He looks away from Adam and down into his drink. He gulps the rest of it in one swallow and sets the glass down on a side table. He turns and walks down the hall, moving away from Adam, away from the light and laughter. He just wants to indulge his memories, his wishes and regrets for a little while. 

He finds an unoccupied room in the back of the house. He assumes it's a guest room. It's neat and orderly and doesn't look as though it's ever used. Tommy pushes the door closed without latching it behind him. He just wants to cut out the noise for a while. The Christmas lights outlining the top of the house outside provide enough light and darkness to comfort him. He leans against the side of the window and looks out.

It's not that he considers himself gay, even if he toyed with the idea (and himself) of a naked Adam with him in the shower once or twice. Or ten times. Okay maybe he's lost count. It's just that Tommy had never met a person like Adam before and hasn't since. Someone not only beautiful on the outside but truly sincere on the inside as well. Adam took care of everyone he knew whether they were family, friend, or staff. He worked hard to please fans and took their comments seriously when they weren't downright hateful and stupid. When Adam attacked his mouth during the infamous AMA set, then suggested it as part of the routine on tour, Tommy had been all for it. No other band was doing such a thing. And they made a great team. It was just a game. Eventually it scared the shit out of Tommy, although he was too enamoured to admit it. Kisses became longer. Touches became possessive. And Tommy craved it. He craved the attention. He craved Adam. 

He kept playing the game, thinking Adam would pick up on his new feelings for him. He gave Adam lingering looks, stuck out his ass on stage for Adam to grab, leaned in whenever he was near to be petted or have his hair pulled, whatever Adam felt like doing. He sat close on the bus, cuddled in hotels, all the things he'd do with a girl he wanted to hook up with. Adam stayed close to him, snuggled, draped his arm around Tommy, hugged him endlessly, pecked his cheek whenever they parted company. He certainly didn't do that with his other band members. 

Adam was supposed to take the reins on whatever this was, at least by Tommy's thought process. But Adam never did, and Tommy wondered if he was even picking up on things Tommy thought he was saying without saying. Then one day Adam changed the game and got a boyfriend. Tommy didn't understand what he'd done wrong or how he'd shoved Adam away. He never asked and Adam never offered any explanation. And Tommy gave up. He silently beat himself up for months for doing everything wrong, for not being open and just blurting it all out. He missed his chance. He eventually convinced himself it was for the best. He still convinces himself of that every time he sees Adam's name or face online or appear on his caller ID.

Tommy feels his heart skip a beat and he inhales quickly in response. None of this matters anyway. Adam is simply out of reach now. He wishes he'd picked up another drink before he came in here. He could stand to get loaded right now. Then again, alcohol tends to exacerbate his feelings. Maybe it's time he goes home. He turns to leave the quiet and his memories. Adam is standing by the door watching him. 

"Going somewhere?" Adam asks.

Tommy nods, his voice failing him for a moment. "Yeah, I was gonna go, actually." 

"I don't want you to," Adam says.

Tommy notices the door is latched closed. "Why?"

Adam takes a few steps towards him. Tommy clenches his hands together, feeling nervous. He hasn't been alone with Adam in over a year. 

"What were you thinking about?" Adam asks. 

Tommy stares at him like he's been caught with his pants down. Adam's eyes narrow slightly and his head tilts, like he's figuring something out. The brief and crazy smile Tommy gives is nothing but a nervous reaction. He huffs out a laugh. 

"Nothing really," he replies. "Just stuff. Past stuff."

"What kind of past stuff?" Adam probes.

God, Adam was so fucking relentless and nosey sometimes. Tommy knew from experience it wouldn't do any good to blow off the question. 

"Just stuff," he answers haltingly. "Music stuff, tour stuff...stuff said, not said and..." 

Adam hums. "Yes, stuff not said."

Tommy doesn't elaborate and Adam doesn't go on. They let it hang in the air between them. Adam looks as though he's reading Tommy's mind thought by thought, line by line. Tommy's anxiety grows.

Fuck it, he thinks. Get it over with. Ask. He wants you to.

"How did I turn you off?" he asks timidly. 

"You didn't," Adam answers.

Tommy shakes his head. "Then why... I mean, you never..."

"You played it too safe," Adam states. 

"Safe?" he repeats. "I thought it was clear. I thought you felt what I did."

Adam moves closer. "I felt everything you did. You were too scared."

"So?" Tommy feels petulant at being told he's scared. So what if he had been? Or still was? 

"You wanted me to initiate the entire thing, Tommy, without people knowing you were hot for a guy," he says. "And I was not running a relationship alone. I didn't want a puppet." 

"I'm not a puppet," Tommy replies angrily. 

"No, you're not," Adam says gently. "And I didn't want you to start acting like one." 

"I don't understand," Tommy says, frustrated. "You let me go because I was scared?" 

"I never let you go," Adam says. "But you weren't ready. You didn't know if you were in love or infatuated." 

"How did you know?" Tommy snaps. There's that petulance again.

"It was written all over you," Adam laughs. "You loved attention, but you found a hundred ways to get out of real affection because you didn't know what to do with it from a man. You also started flirting pretty heavily with a certain girl. Or does that part not stick in your mind?" 

Tommy stares at him, not knowing what to say. Adam's right. He did cuddle with Adam, lean in and hang onto him all the time. But whenever Adam turned a serious eye towards him, Tommy backed away, found reasons to leave the room or escape the embrace. Then the ultimate excuse, a girl. A girl he'd tried to make into Adam on the inside over and over. A girl who'd made him nothing but miserable. 

"Never really realized," he says softly. "I didn't know how to have what I wanted and it was right there. I just threw it away."

"It's okay," Adam assures him.

"Yeah, it's okay," Tommy snorts a hard laugh. "It's okay and too fucking late." He really wishes he had another drink. Or weed. Something. 

"Nothing is ever too late," Adam tells him. 

Tommy feels his face heating up and his fingers turning cold. Adam leans in, nearly nose to nose with him. Tommy's nerves shake.

"What will you do this time, Tommy Joe," he asks.

Tommy can hear his own heartbeat. He's fairly certain all of LA can hear it, too. How is this even happening? He came to a party tonight just to be in the presence of an old friend again. How is Adam standing here, offering the world to him? How is Tommy just standing here like a stone statue? 

"It's time to catch up, Tommy," Adam says.

He cups Tommy's chin in his hand like he did a thousand times on stage, and it's all the permission Tommy needs. He surges forward, meeting Adam's mouth. His heart bursts with familiarity and abandon. Adam wraps his arms around Tommy and it's natural and comfortable. It feels like they've never been apart. Adam's tongue caressing his shoots sensations straight to Tommy's cock. He presses his hips into Adam, feeling Adam growing against him. He vaguely registers his flannel shirt being pulled off, the kiss breaks for a second as his t-shirt is yanked over his head. He has no idea how he got his pants down or how Adam got naked. It's all a blur full of sensations and touches and breaths. 

Adam lays back on the bed and pulls Tommy with him. He kisses Tommy's fingers, sucking one into his mouth. Adam spreads his legs and places Tommy's wet finger between his ass cheeks. It startles Tommy and the fear returns. He's never done this before, not with a man.

"Don't think," Adam tells him. He presses slightly on Tommy's hand, lifting his head to catch Tommy's mouth again,

Tommy sinks into the kiss. He doesn't think, just moves. His finger slides into Adam, moves just to hear Adam moan. He moves it in circles, pressing against Adam, amazed at how soft and warm he is. Adam urges Tommy to use a second finger and when he does, Adam clutches Tommy's wrist, moaning and pushing his hips into them. Tommy's about to get off on just hearing Adam. He feels Adam's cock slide along his forearm. It's rigid and hot and huge. Tommy wonders when he'll be on the receiving end of it.

He nuzzles his face into Adam's chest, the fine hair stroking his cheek. His fingers continue feeling and exploring the inside of Adam. His own hard on is starting to ache and he presses it into Adam's thigh. Adam's hand slides down and grips him, pulling and releasing. His fingers begin moving in time with Adam's pulls on his cock. Adam releases him and sits up. It surprises Tommy. He pushes Tommy back and leans over. He takes Tommy down in one swallow. Tommy's head drops back and his mouth falls open. Tommy's had a hundred blow jobs easy but never like this. His balls are tingling and his nerves are thrumming. Adam lays back again, moving Tommy between his legs. He holds Tommy's cock at his ass.

"You've wanted this for a long time," Adam tells him. "Fuck me."

Tommy pushes his hips forward, sliding in easily. Adam's body seems to suck him in and hold him tightly. Adam's right, he's wanted this for ages. He fucks into Adam slowly at first, feeling everything, every inch of Adam he can find inside and out. His hands roam and squeeze, his eyes devour, and every thrust of his hips cause Adam to moan and twist and grip him harder. Tommy's already addicted.

Adam lifts one impossibly long leg and hooks it over Tommy's shoulder, pulling him flush against Adam's groin. He lifts his hips slightly, hands gripping Tommy's ass. 

"There," Adam breathes. "Right there, baby."

Tommy thrusts and Adam gasps, eyes rolling back and closing. Tommy thrusts harder and faster. His muscles tense and sweat drenches his hair. His rhythm is steady and almost frantic. He has to have as much of Adam as he can get. He has to drive Adam over the edge. He has to see it. He has to make it happen. He can't let Adam get away again. 

The drag and pull on his cock, the heat and suction of Adam's body, the exertion of fucking Adam into oblivion has him lightheaded and shuddering all over. Their moans are loud and free. Tommy grips Adam's thigh next to his shoulder, digging in his fingers. He holds Adam into place, his hips piston of their own accord, and he watches Adam jerk himself. He's mesmerized. He sees Adam coming before he shouts.

"Tommy, fuck yes, baby," he cries, his head tilted back so far into the bed the tendons in his neck are tight and prominent. 

Tommy gasps, feeling high. God is Adam beautiful when he comes. That image will stay with him for life. He frantically sucks in air and holds his breath, his body tight and trying to keep up the pace. It feels as though he'll never come. And then he does, long and hard into Adam. He screams Adam's name, something he always thought he'd only do alone in the dark. Blackness encroaches on his vision and he feels dizzy. He gulps in air and closes his eyes. He feels himself flowing outward and into Adam and he groans in relief. 

He looks down at Adam, who reaches up and touches his cheek. Everything feels perfect and right. He gently slides Adam's leg off his shoulder and out of Adam's ass. He lays next to Adam on the bed. They stare at each other for a long while.

"Are we back on track?" Adam whispers.

Tommy nods. "Am I enough for you?" he asks in the same whisper. He's suddenly afraid this was a one time thing and it's 'see ya around, Tommy' and that's that. 

Adam pulls him closer, wrapping an arm around his waist. He kisses Tommy's forehead.

"You were always enough," he answers. "You just didn't believe it."

Tommy looks at Adam. No, he didn't believe it, not until now. Looking into Adam's eyes, he knows it's true.


End file.
